I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
