i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Vodka?
Forever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
