I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
i've created a new STD.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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