anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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