My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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