i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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