glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
