i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
