I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
