Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
