walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"