The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
