Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
