Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
