do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
