So drunk, too bad you don't want this
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize