Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"