Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
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This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
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Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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