if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My penis needs a shock collar
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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