Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
