She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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