My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
