My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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