i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Randomize
