I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
