He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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