Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
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You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
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I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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