oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You need Xanax blowdarts
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
