I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
