Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
