i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
