i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
