I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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