We named our party play list daddy issues
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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