were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
