I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
