So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
