it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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