birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
