when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Operation Purity has been aborted
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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