a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
