hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
