East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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