Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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