I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
