new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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