i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
