i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
