I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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