Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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