Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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