you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
