why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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