matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
