Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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