your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
