3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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