I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
