phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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