I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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