My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
